Missing Out

I'm getting a job. I will be working soon. I am going to be away from home. I will be working 8 hours a day and I will be away from my son for 9... probably 10. I'm trying to let it all sink in but I can't. As silly as it sounds I feel like my life is being ripped from underneath my feet and I have to learn to walk again.

I knew the day would come but I didn't know it would come so fast. I had hoped to stay at home with my boo until he went into first grade. Unfortunately life has other plans. On one end if I work we will continue to live the way we have been for the past few years and on the other well... we'll be roof less. As in homeless.

I'm trying to look at this as a new adventure. I'll be out having conversations with adults yay! I will be making my own money again yay!! I am gaining awesome experience yay!

And yet all I want is to talk about Yo Gabba Gabba. All I want to see is drawings of skateboards and skies. I want to sing from the bottom of my heart and dance with my baby all day. I'm scared that I will miss out. I'm scared I will wake up one day and Rodito will be 18 going off to college. I fear having time go faster than it already is. I fear resentment. I have not spent more than a few hours away from my boo since he was born and suddenly I will only be seeing him 3 hours a day. I'm terrified. 

I know it has to be done. I know he will thank me eventually and he'll understand eventually that everything I do is for him. I'm just scared temporarily he'll only be able to see me dropping him off and not coming back until night time for him. And what can I do? Life is so unexpected and I didn't expect to feel so vulnerable and afraid the way I do now. I just hope he knows just how much I love him. I hope he realizes that I am doing everything I can to give him a good life.

These Are the Moments

It's 1:08 a.m. and Rodito just went back to sleep. A few minutes ago he ran in to my bedroom screaming "receipt, receipt!"  I, half asleep at the time, woke up thinking he was saying "pee pee, pee pee!"  I follow him clumsily through the house, my eyes half open.  He takes me to his bedroom and points underneath his mattress.

"RECEIPT! RECEIPT!" He screams in frustration. (He has an obesession with store receipts, if you haven't guessed by now.)  I question him and lift up his matress. "There's no receipt here baby."  "Receipt," he slowly responds. He climbs into bed and I ask for a kiss, "No." says automatically but lifts his face up to mine anyway. I kiss him and as soon as his head touches his Brobee pillow his eyes close heavily and he enters his dreamland of receipts, cars, Yo Gabba Gabba, and numbers.

These are the silly moments I want to remember. Having his nightmares consist of lost receipts. He's only little for such a short amount of time and the look on his little face silently sleeping soundly after being so scared just a few seconds ago is something I don't ever want to forget.

6 months

My baby boo will be three years old in 6 months! I cannot grasp just how fast time goes by. Already planning for his summer birthday!

Today was his 2 and 1/2 check up.  He's in the 95th% in height and 15% in weight. So perfect! After his appointment with his pediatrician we had to get his blood work done to check his anemia. I walked into the lab fearful and worried because last time he had been a disaster. To my huuuuuuge surprise he sat down and held out his little arm for the nurse; all while watching the process. No tears. No screams. No kicks or bites. He made me proud. Nurses were so pleased and he was happy with his post-lab work lollipop. Should get the results back by next week. His doctor decided to keep him on the iron supplement for another six months regardless of the test outcome. It's a relief and I hope this time next year we won't have any of this to deal with.

Behavior wise... well it looks like the terrible twos will be dragging into the threes. Tantrums are still a daily problem. Working on finding a very easy to follow daily schedule to try and avoid these outbursts. Times outs are getting a little bit easier...at least easier than last week!! *fingers crossed* He's now expressing himself a lot better and he's able to tell me what he wants with words now!! It's a little difficult to understand at times but he's definitely making progress and for that I am very glad.

I had hoped to put him into a school-like program but it's not going to be possible. A little disappointed but I've decided to take advantage of this time to teach him myself. I'm thinking a bi-lingual day full of activities and crafts. We'll see how it turns out! ;-)

Family and next year!

This week and last week have been amazing. Rodo has been coming home right after work and it's been soooooo nice having him home for dinner. Getting to spend actual time with him before bed and then being able to do it all over again. August cannot come fast enough. I'm anxiously waiting for him to be done with school so we can have a normal life again. I miss feeling like a real family.

We have been freaking out about graduation because we are worried that he might not find a job that goes with his career choice. It's something that has apparently been happening to a lot of graduates who have a specific major and no "minor." I guess we'll just have to hope for the best!!!

On up coming events; the year is coming to an end!! I've decided on a new years resolution and that is being a better me. Very vague but filled with so much! I want to be a better me for myself. A better mom. A better wife. A better person! I've made of list of things I want to improve and I hope that I can gradually ease into this "new me."  =)

Toddler Fun

It's been a while but I'm ready to catch up. These last few weeks have been crazy fun for us. Rodito's vocabulary has grown tremendously. Being with him is much more enjoyable now because he tells me what he wants and most of the day he's making me laugh with his sillyness. Of course his personality is kicking in stronger than ever as well and with this comes a new line of tantrums. We've mostly figured out how to manage them but he has a few that get out of hand ocassionally lol.

He's now saying "funny"  "cereal"   "cookies"  "money" (LOL)  "cake"  "nap time"  "socks"  "shoes"   "love you" (he says it lob which is soo cute haha)  "baby"  "read book"  "Foofa"  "Gabba"  "phone"  "hot"  and the list goes on. Something that I'm very excited about is that he can count to 10 give or take lol, he misses a few now and then. He's also starting to count in Spanish it makes me glad that we've introduced both languages at the same time because he's picking up on them about the same. I do want to focus a bit more on Spanish though because he does seem to prefer English and I don't want that to become an issue in the future. He can also name the things on his face in both languages!

He's growing up really fast... I cannot believe December is here already. Our 3rd Christmas with our boo. Our 3rd new year's with him. Time just goes by way too fast and I wish I could stop it just for a moment. I'm going to miss this stage so so much. There's so much to do, so much to love about him. Rodo and I have been enjoying our family time with him like never before because he's just so fun to interact with. Nothing last forever though and we have so much more to experience with him for the rest of our lives. Different stages, different levels of fun and love. :)

Random Acts of Kindness

I was on Pintrest and I saw a pin about "living kindness" instead of just "speaking it."  From the moment I began reading the blog I couldn't help but smile and then my smile slowly turned into tears. This lady has started "The Birthday Project." Her first time doing it was when she turned 38 and on her birthday she did 38 random acts of kindness. It's the little things in life that matter and it's so easy to put a smile on someone else's face just by doing a tiny favor. She did small things like pay for someone else's coffee, read to some kids at Barne's and Nobel's, helped a lady unload her groceries, etc etc. You can read more about it here: http://mixmingleglow.com/blog/?p=1358   She also has a facebook fan page: https://www.facebook.com/TheBirthdayProject 

I've been inspired and touched by this woman. I have realized that it's not only about being a good person for yourself but it's an example to set for everyone else. Passing it on.. Great thing to teach Rodito too!! Looking forward to doing small tiny things for people on a daily basis and keeping my mind on kindness. What a great way to end and begin the year.

Two Wolves

I was very angry Saturday night. Angry at myself, angry at my family, angry with the universe. That anger has simmered down to frustration and I'm working on getting it down to compliance.

It was all triggered by one little comment that my grandmother made. The comment had nothing to do with me but it brought out this resentment inside of me (one that will probably never go away). An aunt of mine made the comment to her that she needed to get her mom a Visa to travel to the U.S. in case she needed her help one of these days. Simple comment right? Nothing evil or rude about it? Yet it really freaking pissed me off. My aunt is probably in her 50s and yet she's still able to depend on her mother. Why can't I have a mom to depend on? What am I going to do if I need my mom? What am I doing now? Living. Living without a mom to cry to. Without a mom to call when I'm about rip my hair out when Rudy is giving me a hard time. Living without a mom when shit hits the fucking fan. There I go with my anger...

I've been let down by a lot of people in my life. Family and friends who were supposed to be there for me when I needed them the most. And I've let down people too I'm sure but it still doesn't take away from the pain of not having someone to run to when I need advice. Sure I have my grandma and my mom's sister... but it's not the same as having a mom. A mom who would be able say just the right thing to help me through the day. Just the right thing to help me deal with the stress of having an active toddler. Just the right thing when I feel that my world is about to collapse. I don't have anyone to help me with Rudy. I don't have anyone to give me support. I would love to have date nights with Rodo. I would love to go to school and finish my career. I would love to just break away from it all every once in a while but I can't... I have no one to help me with Rudy.

Rudy isn't going to know what a grandma is. He won't have a grandma to spoil him. He doesn't have a grandma to comfort him when he gets in trouble with mommy and daddy. He doesn't have a grandma to spend the night at. He won't have someone to love him almost as much as mommy does. It hurts me so much that Rudy is missing out on such a big part of a kid's childhood. I have fond memories of my grandma growing up and it saddens me to know he won't.

He has two wonderful great grandmothers who love him to death. He has two loving grandfathers. He has an aunt who spoils him when she can. Aunts and uncles here and in Mexico who care dearly about him... And he has two parents who are madly in love with him. I can be thankful for that. At least I'm blessed with life to raise him and love him the way I want to. At least he has a daddy who provides for him. He may not be around too much but everything Rodo does; he does for our son.

It's hard to look at the bigger picture when there's a constant reminder of what we're missing out on, but the blessings are still there and that's what my focus needs to be.

And that is my rant of the day. I leave this post with a story about the constant battle inside.

Two Wolves - A Cherokee Tale

An elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside of me. It's a terrible fight and it's between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee said, "The one you feed."