It was all triggered by one little comment that my grandmother made. The comment had nothing to do with me but it brought out this resentment inside of me (one that will probably never go away). An aunt of mine made the comment to her that she needed to get her mom a Visa to travel to the U.S. in case she needed her help one of these days. Simple comment right? Nothing evil or rude about it? Yet it really freaking pissed me off. My aunt is probably in her 50s and yet she's still able to depend on her mother. Why can't I have a mom to depend on? What am I going to do if I need my mom? What am I doing now? Living. Living without a mom to cry to. Without a mom to call when I'm about rip my hair out when Rudy is giving me a hard time. Living without a mom when shit hits the fucking fan. There I go with my anger...
I've been let down by a lot of people in my life. Family and friends who were supposed to be there for me when I needed them the most. And I've let down people too I'm sure but it still doesn't take away from the pain of not having someone to run to when I need advice. Sure I have my grandma and my mom's sister... but it's not the same as having a mom. A mom who would be able say just the right thing to help me through the day. Just the right thing to help me deal with the stress of having an active toddler. Just the right thing when I feel that my world is about to collapse. I don't have anyone to help me with Rudy. I don't have anyone to give me support. I would love to have date nights with Rodo. I would love to go to school and finish my career. I would love to just break away from it all every once in a while but I can't... I have no one to help me with Rudy.
Rudy isn't going to know what a grandma is. He won't have a grandma to spoil him. He doesn't have a grandma to comfort him when he gets in trouble with mommy and daddy. He doesn't have a grandma to spend the night at. He won't have someone to love him almost as much as mommy does. It hurts me so much that Rudy is missing out on such a big part of a kid's childhood. I have fond memories of my grandma growing up and it saddens me to know he won't.
He has two wonderful great grandmothers who love him to death. He has two loving grandfathers. He has an aunt who spoils him when she can. Aunts and uncles here and in Mexico who care dearly about him... And he has two parents who are madly in love with him. I can be thankful for that. At least I'm blessed with life to raise him and love him the way I want to. At least he has a daddy who provides for him. He may not be around too much but everything Rodo does; he does for our son.
It's hard to look at the bigger picture when there's a constant reminder of what we're missing out on, but the blessings are still there and that's what my focus needs to be.
And that is my rant of the day. I leave this post with a story about the constant battle inside.
Two Wolves - A Cherokee Tale
An elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside of me. It's a terrible fight and it's between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too."
The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee said, "The one you feed."
